In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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