I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
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