6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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