Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
