Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
