the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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