i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
