You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
