I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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