how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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