Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
