I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..