I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah