I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.