captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
