i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
