I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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