apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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