i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
