I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
