Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
