you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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