everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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