got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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