My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
