I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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