i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
