I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
