So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
