I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
