How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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