what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
