I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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