Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
