his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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