ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
