guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
