I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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