The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
