Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
