apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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