the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
3pm strippers are depressing
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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