dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
