I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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