I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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