So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.