I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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