Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
