Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!