two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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