Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
