I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
