i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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