Got a toothbrush?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
