um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The best revenge is premature balding
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
