Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
