WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Randomize
