I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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