U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
