My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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